You Don't Need to Start a Small Group

Community takes many forms

I had heard about the wonders and blessings of small groups, how they foster community and facilitate connection. After I finished my undergraduate degree, the opportunity came to join one with beautiful people from around the city that I loved dearly. Good friends and deep, intimate conversations—it seemed like the best use of my Thursday evenings.

That’s why I was so confused when I felt God nudging me, firmly and repeatedly, to leave.

I remember asking God: why do You want me to leave small group? Aren’t these friendships important? Isn’t this a good thing?

I didn’t obey immediately, thinking: I’ll try it a bit longer, and see if I can make it work. But I quickly became overextended and overwhelmed, my daily cross becoming heavier and heavier as I tried to maintain many different relationships. Eventually, other commitments got in the way of my Thursday night small group.

God was making things very clear - this was not what He was calling me to in this season of life. Rather than investing in more relationships on a weekly basis, God was calling me to be present in the relationships I already had, with those *walking life next to me—*literally.

You see, I live in a house with other Catholic women who are also pursuing holiness and discerning God’s will for their lives. We live communally in a very intentional way, including praying with the Liturgy of the Hours Monday through Friday, and meeting up for 3-4 hours of “house time” each week.

I also work for my Parish, and have fostered trusting and joy-filled relationships with my coworkers. I’ve watched God create a community through the team of people He has called to work at this particular Parish, and have grown and healed in so many ways since beginning to work there.

In prayer, I realized that these were the people that God was calling me to love first. While I outwardly met all the responsibilities for my household and my job, I had begun to check out emotionally when I spread myself too thin. I realized that I was grasping for more because deep down, despite everything the Lord had already given me, I was afraid of being alone.

After reflecting on all these things, I decided that following God’s promptings would probably be the best thing for me. There was some resistance, but I made the phone call to officially leave small group. Instead of feeling sad and lonely, I felt relief and a deep peace knowing I was exactly where God wanted me to be. By saying no to one thing, I was truly free to say yes to the other things He was calling me to.

In social psychology, the proximity principle describes the phenomenon that friendships tend to form between people who are physically close to each other. This includes people living in the same city, but it also means our neighbours, roommates, and coworkers—the people we see on a regular basis and live our lives alongside.

Especially with all the communication tools we have access to (texting, video calls, social media, etc.), it’s easy to overlook the significance of physical proximity. But the Incarnation reminds us of its importance: God took on human flesh in order to dwell among us, to live life with us. This is why the Eucharist is integral to the spiritual life: it’s how God unites us to Himself physically.

I’ve come to believe that God has a plan for me for every moment of every day; often, that means encountering the person He has placed in front of me. As helpful as it might be, God is not always asking us to strive for community and fellowship by starting something formal, like a small group. He may be asking us instead to follow where He leads us, and to grow in relationship with the people He has already placed in our lives.

I want to make an important disclaimer: I’m not saying to cut ties with friends and family who aren’t physically close. Of course He calls us to love in all our relationships, with those who are nearby and those further away.

Still, I have discovered that there is grace and freedom in allowing the Holy Spirit to build our community. Sometimes that involves a small group, and sometimes it doesn’t. While love requires sacrificial effort, we don’t need to grasp at or force loving relationships. In reality, God has already drawn close to us.